‘You Cannot Change What You Refuse To Confront.’
Hi everyone! What’s up? Today is that day… The day I start turning my life around!
No more procrastination! No more excuses! No more waiting! The time is NOW!
Being fat sucks… not so much because you’re fat, but because it affects the rest of your life. I actually like my curves. I don’t think thin and bony is attractive. But being unfit and unhealthy… that is a problem. A very real, very serious problem…
If you’ve seen pictures of me, then you’ll know that I like to eat… A lot! I mean, who doesn’t? Pizza, sushi, French fries, ice cream, chocolate mousse, hamburgers… what’s not to like? Food is supposed to be enjoyed and bring people together. It’s one of life’s little pleasures.
For me, though, food had become so much more… I eat when I’m bored. I eat when I’m stressed or nervous. I eat when I’m sleepy. I eat when I’m active. I eat when I feel guilty, happy, sad, excited, disappointed, angry… Eating compulsively has become my go-to reaction to almost everything in life – big or small.
Wake up… Eat. Study… Eat. Read my emails… Eat. Make lunch… Eat. Go shopping… Eat. Text my friends… Eat. At work… Eat. Get home after work… Eat. Clean my flat… Eat.
And that’s just the everyday things… When something out of the ordinary or unplanned happens… I eat some more. My eating has become out of control.
‘Denial Is The Worst Kind Of Lie…
Because It Is The Lie You Tell Yourself.’
– Michelle A. Homme
In 2015, my father passed away unexpectedly. The shock of his passing and the resulting guilt and grief completely crippled me. My life fell apart and three years later, it feels like I’m still picking up the pieces. Eating was how I dealt with my emotions. Just eating and eating and eating until I couldn’t feel anything but my insides bursting at the seams. I would eat until my stomach ached and I was so uncomfortably full that I wanted to puke it all up.
I distracted myself from the emotions I didn’t want to deal with by thinking about food… all the time… And the more I ate, the more depressed I became. I hated myself for being so out of control and pigging out every time I so much as thought about food. And the more shame and guilt I felt about stuffing myself with any and every food within my reach, the more I ate.
Eat… Feel ashamed… Repeat… It was a vicious cycle…
During that period of time, food was my only way of coping with the negative emotions I was feeling. And although intensive therapy sessions helped me work through a lot of them (yup, I got therapy, not something to be embarrassed by!), I still had to allow myself to actually feel what I was feeling… And what I was feeling drove me to excessive, frenzied eating. I ate to fill a void that had nothing to do with an empty stomach.
‘We Are Only As Blind As We Want To Be.’
– Maya Angelou
Despite the support my loved ones were giving me, I lied to them about just how badly I was affected by what had happened. I went out of my way to hide my eating habits from my friends and family. It came to the point where I wouldn’t allow myself to eat in front of anyone. One night my mother heard me throwing up after dinner so that I could empty my stomach and eat some more… It wasn’t the first time. Shocked and concerned AF, she took me aside and explained that I was in danger of developing bulimia if I didn’t develop more awareness about my eating habits.
Realising this shocked me… I had of course gained an incredible amount of weight during this time, but after the conversations with my mother, I managed to dial it back a bit. Even so, the damage had been done.
Fast forward two years… I’ve settled into this overweight, fast food-ridden lifestyle. Now, at least, I manage not to think about food all the time. In fact, I go out of my way not to think about what I’m eating when I eat – the other side of the coin. As a result, the food I now eat is often unrefined, processed and laden with sugar, carbs, gluten and all manner of artificial junk colourants, preservatives, etc. I overeat, still having no focus on portion control. I’m undernourished and deprived of most vitamins and minerals. Not surprising, I’m in a state of pre-diabetes with rollercoastering blood sugar levels…
I still eat to feed my feelings, but not as obsessively as before. Eating has now become more of a mindless habit. It’s not something I do because I’m hungry. It’s something I do just to do it.
‘Deep Down You Already Know The Truth…
Now You Just Have To Accept It.’
Before my father’s death, I was healthy and fit. I wasn’t skinny, but I wasn’t overweight either. I was toned and lithe with curves in all the right places. I danced for an average of 4 hours every week, walked everywhere, did yoga and weight training, and jogged 3 times a week. I was confident in my skin and able to do the things I wanted to. If you’ve read my previous post 3 Reasons Why I’m Terribly, Miserably Disappointed In Myself then you’ll know that this is no longer the case. I’m not living the life I want to. I’m not doing the things I want to. And worst of all, I’m not being the best version of myself.
I’ve tried losing the weight and improving my lifestyle before – all attempts without any success. So what’s changed now? Not much, except for one not-so-teeny-tiny-little detail… I’ve stopped having my period.
Two weeks ago, on Mother’s Day, I realised that if I continued the way I was going, I would never get to be a mother myself. This shook me to my core. I’m still reeling from the shock of this realisation… Becoming a mother and starting my own family some day has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember.
The worst part of it all was realising that I had no one to blame for my disappointment but myself. I realised that I was in denial about a lot of things and that staying in denial would only result in more disappointment, regret, guilt and despair. The possibility (or rather probability) that I may not be able to do that… Message received.
I need to save my health, my body, and, ultimately, my life…
So that’s what #My55KgJourney is about: learning to accept, love and appreciate my body along with learning how to accept, love and appreciate myself. All in the hopes of living the life I want to!
This blog will follow me on my journey as I work to follow a low-carb diet, start exercising, lose weight, rid myself of insecurities and learn to love myself – just the way I am.
My goal is simple… When my 24th birthday comes along on the 4th of August 2019, I want to be able to dance the night away with my loved ones, not once needing to stop and catch my breath, wearing a killer dress that did not come from the plus-sized department, comfortable and confident in my body and myself. Healthy, happy and proud of the life I have!
All in all, I want to lose 55 kg, in hopes of reaching a goal weight of 52 kg. But that is why I’m referring to this as ‘My 55 Kg Journey’, because 55 kg is my weight loss goal.Opening up online for all the world to witness is quite frankly a terrifying thought and I’ve been debating on and off with myself for weeks now about whether or not I should do it. Ultimately though, as you can deduce from now reading this post, I decided to go through with it!
I have been so inspired by all the other online stories of people turning their lives around, it got me thinking that I would like to inspire others in a similar way. It would be a way to make something positive out of what has mostly been a negative experience.
The other, more personal reason for sharing my journey online is that I want to prove to myself that I am brave enough to go after something I want, that there’s no shame in admitting to one’s insecurities and fears and that I can do this. That I can do whatever I put my mind to. That I can overcome my fears. That I can be my best self
My plan of action is a simple one – in theory at least. I’ve decided to address 4 components in order to improve my health, my weight, my body image and ultimately my quality of life during 5 separate phases.
The 4 components I plan to address are…
- Following a low-carb, high-fat diet
- Participating in a balanced exercised programme
- Learning to love my body
- Learning to love my self
I hope to share a post tracking my emotional and weight loss progress at least once a month right here, so please subscribe to this blog if you’d like to share in my journey!
You can also expect regular posts on The Whimsical Rebel social media accounts regarding the changes I’ve implemented, the lessons I’ve learned and the obstacles I’ve come across. Follow me on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook!
Thanks for reading and if you are on your own journey of weight loss and self-love, hang in there! You are not alone! Keep at it! And pity us mere mortals who have yet to follow in your footsteps haha!
Until next time all you awesome peeps! Much love, Lize Xx
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