‘Sometimes I’m Disappointed In Myself.
Because I Know I’m Better
Than The Choices I Make
And The Things I Choose To Deal With.’
It’s a scary moment when you suddenly bolt upright and have the air whacked out of your lungs by the sudden realisation that you are screwing up. Momentously, majorly, crazily, tremendously, insanely f*cking up.
Maybe not in the sense of failing high school, getting fired or cheating in a relationship… but in the things that you are NOT doing. Waking up out of the blue one day to the realisation that you are wasting precious time, precious memories, precious life… it’s not a pleasant moment… to say the least.
But even worse than realising you’re an idiot for not seizing the opportunity, living in the moment, is figuring out that you have no one to blame for your present predicament but yourself. Might as well take out the lipstick and write ‘dumb ass’ on your forehead…
‘I am disappointed with myself.
I am disappointed not so much with the particular things I have done as with the aspects of who I have become.
I have a nagging sense that all is not as it should be…’
– John Ortberg
Such a moment is exactly what I (dare I call myself a ‘dumb ass’?) experienced a few days back. I was wasting my time, doing something completely insignificant and unnecessary when I looked up at my watch and suddenly thought to myself, ‘What the fudge are you doing?! Have you completely lost your mind?! This is not what you want!!!’
And upon that moment of complete self awareness, I realised 3 things: I’m not living the life I want to live, I’m not doing the things I want to do and I’m not being my best self. Instead, I was doing the same mindless activities day-in and day-out that brought me no closer to achieving my dreams or bringing me happiness. I realised I was little more than a robot at this point. I existed and processed information from my surroundings, but I didn’t experience anything. I wasn’t alive, not really. I was letting time fly by, allowing moments to escape and wasting the potential God gave me…
‘Disappoint Anyone. Disappoint Everyone.
Just Don’t Disappoint Yourself.’
I am not living the life I want… I am missing out on creating precious memories with my loved ones. Even something small, like going for a walk with my grandfather during a recent visit, proved to hard a task when I was breathless before we reached the end of the street and couldn’t even keep up with my 83-year old grandfather who suffers from arthritis and osteoporosis…
It is clear that my quality of life is degraded by my dreadful state of health and non-existent fitness levels. I want to travel, explore, try new things, make memories, gain new skills, make the most of every moment. I want a life filled with excitement, adventure, laughter, love, happiness, risk and passion. I want a life where I push my limits, extend my boundaries and constantly grow. I want a life where I chase the impossible, where I take unrealistic dreams and make them realistic. That’s the point of life isn’t it?
I want it all. I want a life with no regrets.
‘To Live Is The Rarest Thing In The World.
Most People Exist, That Is All.’
– Oscar Wilde
I’m not doing the things I want to, the things that will amount to a life full of excitement, adventure, laughter, love, happiness, risk and passion… It’s one thing to say I want all of this, but it’s another matter entirely to make that happen. After all, what excites one person may not necessarily excite another.
For me though, it comes down to travelling, seeing new places, meeting new people, trying new things, exploring every inch of my environment, learning new skills, honing the skills I already have, spending my time with my loved ones, making the most of every moment and never having to look back and wonder what I missed out on.
‘You May Be Disappointed If You Fail,
But You Are Doomed If You Don’t Try.’
– Beverly Sills
I’m not being my best self… This is probably the thought that saddens me the most. When I look in the mirror right now, when I look at my life, I am overwhelmed by the cutting realisation that I could do better, that this is not my best, that I am capable of far more than this.
Contrary to what most people may assume, my current obese state isn’t what I regret most. Being fat is not a problem. Being fat and unhealthy and unfit is the problem. Many of the women I admire most manage to be fat, healthy and fit, but I am not one of them…
I struggle with pre-diabetes, low blood pressure and unstable blood sugar levels. I’m not getting nearly enough sleep. My diet is filled with carbs, sugar and all manner of other junk food ingredients. And even though I’m gluten intolerant, I still eat gluten, resulting in terrible abdominal discomfort.
I get breathless from climbing the stairs or walking too fast. I can’t lift anything heavy without getting terrible back pain or cramps in my muscles. My joints ache and I get dizzy just from walking too long and fast. I wake up with stiff muscles and the most basic of everyday actions, like tying my hair in a ponytail, can prove tiring.
I’m uncomfortable in my own body, and I am haunted by the knowledge that this is not me. This tired, sluggish, under-nourished blob is not the real me. And it’s definitely not the me I want to be.
‘Your Life Does Not Get Better By Chance.
It Gets Better By Change.’
What makes it all so much worse, however, is the hard-hitting realisation that I have no-one and nothing else to blame for my current predicament but myself. It all comes down to me, myself and I. There are no extenuating circumstances, legitimate excuses or any other form of justification for the state I find myself in. It’s all my own fault.
I wake up every day, struggle to drag my flabby butt out of bed and do the same things I did yesterday and the day before… If I want my life to change, then I am going to have to actively work to change it. It all comes down to me.
‘Only I Can Change My Life.
No One Can Do It For Me.’
– Carol Burnett
I started writing the Whimsical Rebel blog because I wanted to be fearless in pursuit of my dreams, in pursuit of the things I want and the life I want to live. To rebel against every excuse and insecurity that tells me I can’t do it and then go out and do it anyway.
And it’s time I started doing just that once more.
No fear. No excuses. No procrastination.
In the immortal words of Nike… Just do it.
‘I Love Myself. I Believe In Myself. I Appreciate Myself.
I’m Strict And Serious About Improving Myself.
I Will Not Give Up On Myself.
I Will Not Disappoint Myself.
I Will Be My Best Self.
No Matter What.’
I ♥ Hearing From You!
#Hashtag Me With #TheWhimsicalRebel
& #TheWRebel! Xx